Reddit nice guy syndrome

you tell you mistaken. Not essence..

Reddit nice guy syndrome

It seemed like a horrible match.

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The unfortunate thing is, he actually succeeded in guilting me into a second date. If only you would just give that nice guy a chance, popular wisdom goes, he might surprise you. Being nice is not a ticket to a date with a person of your choice. This is a widespread stereotype: women like bad boys. The belief that women like jerks contains hints of misogyny because it stems from the stereotype that women want to be dominated and controlled.

Human beings are not rewards for kindness. Sometimes, nice people struggle with their love lives. Sometimes, not-so-nice people have an easier time. This may seem unfair, but the whole concept of fairness is irrelevant when personal choices are concerned.

Once again, pop culture reinforces this belief. Viewers are supposed to think it was dense of the woman to not realize that the love she sought was in front of her the whole time. Stories of friends who get together can be sweet, and unrequited crushes on friends are always painful, but there are plenty of valid reasons not to date a friend. Your friendship is not a consolation prize — and the idea of being relegated to friend status hinges on the notion that he was expecting more in the first place.

And his friendship is not a bargaining token. It should be given freely without expecting anything in return except mutual friendship. The irony is that many of them use this supposed caring to manipulate women into sex or dating. Our culture over-classifies men as nice guys, and the effects of this undue admiration are dangerous. Our low standards for men manifest in a number of ways: In addition to applauding men for taking on parenting duties that are expected of women, we praise them for sexual conduct that should be mandatory, not praiseworthy.

I remember seeing a movie called Fish Tank with a guy I was dating in college.A nice guy is an informal term for an often young adult male who portrays himself with characteristics such as being gentlecompassionatesensitive and vulnerable. When used negatively, a nice guy implies a male who is unassertive, does not express his true feelings and, in the context of dating in which the term is often used [1]dishonestly uses acts of ostensible friendship and basic social etiquette with the unstated aim of progressing to a romantic or sexual relationship.

The results of the research on romantic perception of "nice guys" are mixed and often inconsistent. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" sometimes cite research that does not directly use the term, but which addresses behaviours which are often associated with disingenuous "niceness".

One difficulty in studying the "nice guy" phenomenon is due to the ambiguity of the "nice guy" construct. Participants in studies interpret "nice guy" to mean different things. In their qualitative analysis, Herold and Milhausen [6] found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the 'nice guy', characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women.

Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the 'nice guy' to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive. Nice guys are sometimes suggested to be overbearing or lacking in a vision and ambitions, these opinions suggest self-confidence as key point and area of improvement.

Researchers have therefore operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below. Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women. Jensen-Campbell et al. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency.

They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior. Nice guys are usually seen as twice more attractive than men who prefer to present themselves as neutral, and eight times more attractive than the "jerks" in a dating profile.

Social dominance enhances female attraction to a male who has shown in the relationship niceness, traits of kindness and warmth stated by women looking for long-term relationships, and less status and physical attractiveness. Sprecher and Regan found kindness and warmth, expressiveness, openness and humor, as desirable traits of a long-term partner, less so social status indicators like future earning potential wealth.

Participants suggested they wanted more humor, expressiveness and warmth from their partner than is expressed with their friends. Herold and Milhausen asked a sample of undergraduate women "You meet two men. One, John, is nice but somewhat shy. He has not had any sexual experience. The other, Mike, is attractive, a lot of fun, and has had intercourse with ten women.

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Both wish to date you. Whom do you choose? Urbaniak and Killman constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. In two studies, Urbaniak and Kilmann found that women claimed to prefer "Nice Todd" over "Neutral Todd" and "Jerk Todd", relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness.

They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness. McDaniel constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. A study at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces showed, that "nice guys" report to have significantly fewer sexual partners than "bad boys".

Barclay found, that when all other factors are held constant, guys who perform generous acts are rated as being more desirable for dates and long-term relationships than non-generous guys. This study used a series of matched descriptions where each male was presented in a generous or a control version which differed only whether the man tended to help others.

The author suggests that niceness itself is desirable to women, but tends to be used by men who are less attractive in other domains, and this is what creates the appearance of "nice guys finish last". Judge et al concluded, that "Nice guys do not necessarily finish last, but they do finish a distant second in terms of earnings These [ which?

They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men e.Oh no. He started off being really kind to me, bringing me food and hanging out with me when I was super depressed. This was after a 45 minute discussion on boundaries. We were friends, and over time he grew to constantly ask me out, complain to me about how nice he was and how he just needed a chance to prove to me he could treat me well, and sort of outlined the different ways in which he was nice.

We ended up dating for a year. The whole time he made little remarks I never realized were joke-veiled insults. We hung out with her and the friend at a bar they were kind of holding hands and he had his arm around her, pretty much like a date and as soon as the friend left, my roommate tried to hit on her. One of them has a list of specific Magic cards he wanted for his deck.

I pull up each card on the computer, find it through the copious amounts of binders and set them aside for him to pay for it. The next day, I come in for my shift, but come in pretty early, so I wait and sit outside the store on a bench. Then here comes Mr. Nice Guy. He sees me sitting alone and comes over to talk to me. He does the small talk, then goes straight to asking me for my number. Like, I pulled away and his fingers glided across the back of my hand.

Sorry buddy. There was a fedora-wearing guy who went to open the door for me, but I had already reached the door next to it and opened it myself to save time. What are you? Some kind of trailblazer?! FB Tweet ellipsis More. Image zoom. Get push notifications with news, features and more. You'll get the latest updates on this topic in your browser notifications.

reddit nice guy syndrome

Close Share options. All rights reserved. Close View image.I did everything I could to make her happy. I tried to solve her problems.

I tried to be a good father to her children. I tried to be a better man than the other men in her past. I tried to be the best lover she had ever had.

I put her needs ahead of mine. In spite of everything I did for her, it never seemed enough. I could never seem to make her happy. She was frequently moody and would lash out at me, seemingly without provocation. Our sex life sucked. My resentment grew, but I kept it all inside. I just kept trying harder to do whatever it would take to make her happy and get her to give me the love, appreciation, and sex I so deeply desired.

I began to learn about things like boundaries, self-care, self-soothing, and honesty. I came to realize that the road map I had been using my entire life was extremely flawed and incapable of helping me get what I wanted. It was like I was trying to navigate my away around Seattle with a map of San Francisco.

I was sure the map was accurate, but no matter how hard I tried, it never got me to my desired destination. As my personal awareness increased, an interesting thing happened. I began to notice other men who seemed to be a lot like me. Then there were the single guys. These guys helped out and listened to women talk about their problems. Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives.

Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague. If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me and people I desire will desire me. If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

These covert contracts operate at an unconscious level. He is the friend who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.

He is the guy who frustrates his wife because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved. He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.

reddit nice guy syndrome

He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat. He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

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Nice guys put other people's needs and wants before their own. Nice guys sacrifice their personal power and often play the role of a victim. Nice guys tend to be disconnected from other men and from their own masculine energy.Well, some would say it has a lot of problems: the Netflix show has been continuously criticized and dissected for the way it deals with teen suicide and sexual assault.

But one aspect of the series that hasn't been as closely scrutinized is as insidious and unassuming as the character himself: Clay Jensen, a quiet student thrown head first into the mystery of a classmate's suicide.

The show asks its viewers to believe he could have saved Hannah from suicide had she truly given him a chance, or had he tried just a little harder to get to know her—just as he tries to save his new girlfriend Skye in season 2. But the truth is that Clay can't rescue anyone, because all he truly cares about is himself. Clay has classic Nice Guy Syndrome, which makes men feel entitled to another's affections simply for displaying basic human decency.

For being "nice. This is not a new development in the controversial Netflix hit.

The Nice Guy Syndrome

Clay has been displaying symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome since episode one. While this doesn't excuse his behavior, he's clearly under a lot of emotional stress.

reddit nice guy syndrome

But even before her death, Clay acted in ways that put a lot of pressure on the young woman he cared about and others around him. When an upskirt picture from Justin's date with Hannah is passed around the school, along with misleading rumors, Clay lashes out at her, saying, "Sometimes it's better to wait"—as if she'd brought the invasion of privacy on herself.

Clay also took it upon himself to punish Tyler Down Devin Druid for stalking and sharing photos of Hannah and Courtney Michele Selene Ang kissing by spreading a naked photo of Tyler around and throwing a brick through his window. Notably, his judgment of Tyler didn't stop Clay from masturbating to the images Tyler took of Hannah and Courtney.

But he's a teenage boy, and ultimately felt guilty for these actions. Supposedly, Hannah's tapes showed him the error of his ways and set him straight.

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But did they really? In season two, Clay still doesn't seem to have fully accepted that Hannah was her own person. During the trial, he becomes furious with her after each of her romantic interests and her rapist, Bryce Justin Prenticetake the stand.

For instance, after discovering that Hannah lost her virginity to Zachhe begins to question everything from her tapes. In a bizarre turn of events, it's the problematic Justin—who doesn't exactly have a track record for treating women well—who shuts down Clay's slut-shaming rant. Hannah, she sleeps with one guy. She has a crush on another guy, being me, and she kisses a third, being you All of a sudden, she's a slut? At one point, Clay also blames Hannah for going to "the clubhouse" in the first place—as if the new girl was supposed to know what that entailed.

While looking at photos of other girls who were abused by the baseball players, he says, "That's the thing I don't get. Why are these girls getting themselves into these situations in the first place? Guys make the situations bad.

The Nice Guy Syndrome

You don't know what that feels like, to be a girl in that room. But Clay's "nice guy" tendencies extend far beyond believing that none of Hannah's tragedies would have occurred had she made the "right" choice and chosen him from the beginning.

While he acknowledges that won't be easy, his efforts don't seem to take Jessica's wellbeing into account—rather, he sees her disclosure as being the only way Bryce "gets what's coming to him.

The first season of 13 Reasons Why was criticized for being misogynistic and slut-shamingbut it did seem clear that viewers were not supposed to take it at face value when Hannah's sexuality was so severely judged by her classmates.So, here goes As anyone who follows this site knows well, waiting around is the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to be doing with women that is: moving faster with womensince attraction expiresand in any event Nice guys end up in the friend zone because they are fine with waiting, comfortable with it, and complain not when women shunt them into their man-queue After all, they have time Clearly, men are just shallow pigs.

Nice is the lowest common denominator. Being nice is a bare minimum requirement, NOT a shining, redeeming, rare, heroic quality. When life hands them lemons, they throw the lemons on the ground and scream at them.

Women Share Their Cringiest "Nice Guys" Stories (r/AskReddit Top Stories)

These guys are not boring, unsexy nice guys. There are many things that are actually under our control, but we as people tend to draw the wrong conclusions about what those things are and how much control we have over them — and this is often fueled by the information sources we surround ourselves with.

Yet, women keep ignoring the guys who take this path and chasing down the bad boys who make them cry — because those bad boys know how to advertise themselves to women.

I have noticed that boring, unsexy nice guys tend to consume a large quantity of media, including news and anything pundit-related — sports commentary, stock market commentary, political commentary. The media you consume is a big part of where you draw your mental model from, and because most media is an escape from reality, that means that as you consume more and more of it, you will tend to get increasingly fantastical, non-reality based mental models running in your head.

Which, of course, makes sense Yet, the times are different now, and the environment has changed in a way that women have moved into direct competition with men on a variety of levels.

They take all of this posturing and pointing and gesticulating at face value. No wonder nice guys think women are such sorry victims of male aggression Nice men hear this and think women are victims of men Which, as you might imagine, makes them quite harmless, unthreatening, and ineffective in everything they do that remotely has any overlap with womankind.

Which means, of course, that they need to act as gentle, friendly, soft, and unintimidating as possible around women so as to not scare them off.

Laughing and smiling a lot, which defuse tension and, in larger quantities, indicate nervousness or submission making them not a threat to women. High school athletes are usually passionate about their sports, or about being fit or staying in shape. Debate team members are passionate about rhetoric and argument structure. Chess players are passionate about tactics and strategies. Science and engineering and programming club members are passionate about their projects and inventions or innovations.

Athletes tend to be the most attractive to younger women, because their triumph over other men is the most visible to those with less mature social awarenesses. But as women grow more socially experienced, they begin to recognize broader and broader forms of passion as attractive, as they begin to realize that all forms of passion involve overcoming worthy and formidable opponents.

Boring, unsexy nice guys have the trait in common that they absolutely cannot understand why on Earth women have to date bad boys. It seems like the biggest, most bizarre, most irrational mystery in the universe to them Imagine doing something you really enjoy doing, but that is also difficult, frustrating, and hard — say, imagine playing some really addictive, but challenging, video game.

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That something else inevitably ends up being a long-term relationship. They just wanted sex! Everything in life is like that. Almost anything you want is lying around within reach if you only knew where it was and how to get it.

‘Nice Guys’ In The Friend Zone Are Actually Narcissists, Psychologist Says

Lovecraft, called In the Walls of Eryx. In it, the protagonist is lost within an invisible maze constructed by an alien race, able to see his freedom in every direction, but running into invisible walls at every step he takes, unable to escape. Finally, he resigns himself to his death and commits suicide, only to be discovered by the command of his military unit a few feet from the maze exit.Seems like women these days don't appreciate that, though.

Sound familiar? These days, it seems that online dating apps are more crowded with desperate, bitter dudes than a pick-up artist's weekend seminar. You know the type: the guy who insists he's kind, thoughtful, patient, and exactly what any smart, self-respecting woman should want. He's baffled as to why girls consistently pass him over in favor of jerks. As a hetero man, I actually understand the appeal of this mindset.

reddit nice guy syndrome

Despite believing myself to be a decent person, I spent adolescence struggling to find and keep a girlfriend. But it's an extremely flawed way of looking at relationships, and at its core, it's not all that nice. Yes, there are men out there who are genuinely good-hearted. This isn't about them. Believing that girls are just as capable of making rational decisions as guys is a basic requirement for respecting them.

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So, when you accuse women of always going for the wrong guy, you're implying that you know better than they do. You're rejecting the possibility that they can make the right choice for themselves. Let's say the typical nice guy is right about girls. Maybe they don't date gentlemen. Maybe they do prefer bad boys.

Maybe they constantly ignore the man who'll always be there with flowers, while chasing the one who'll never treat them like a princess. This theory has its problems, but let's give the nice guys the benefit of the doubt, and run with it. It's still massively condescending. It still assumes that you know what a woman should be attracted to. It doesn't allow for the possibility that maybe girls prefer those qualities. And if you truly respected them, you'd respect their right to pursue the men who possess them.

You're allowed to be upset over the fact that you don't — I'm upset that I'm not Michael Fassbender — but that doesn't mean you're in the right if you want to insist that women should be more interested in a guy like you. Did you know that the idea of only getting one phone call when you're arrested is a Hollywood myth? It made for a convenient storytelling trope, and leaked out into general knowledge to the point that we all started to accept it as fact.

Pop culture can have that effect. See something happen often enough on screen, and you'll start to assume it's common in reality as well. And it seems like some of us have begun to accept it as the truth. Girls date jerks, while persistent nice guys stand by their side, knowing that one day, their crush will realize she's made a terrible mistake.

The truth is, you're not the only nice guy on the planet. Again, while you should appreciate the fact that a woman can make her own romantic choices, odds are good that she's choosing other nice guys.

Sorry, but the sad fact is, maybe those men have more to offer than mere kindness. And maybe they realize…. The entire premise of the nice guy argument — that their behavior should be rewarded — relies on an incorrect equation. Being a decent person isn't something you should do with the expectation of getting a relationship out of it. Sex isn't something you're given in exchange for good behavior.

People date one another because they're attracted to each other. They have sex for the same reasons.


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